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This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’ The elderly woman rep lied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’ The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’ ‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’ ‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied , ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!’

The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky. Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days. Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!

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If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there, sonny ?’

The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!’

‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’

‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour !’ states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside ?’

‘No problem,’ re plies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my Moped !’

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer !

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH !

Something whips by him going much faster !

‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you ?’

The old man whispers,

‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘ Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey,’she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’ ‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

“Throwing Fire” - (kinda crazy - in the very early stages) Ronald Jenkees

Please forward to anyone with children . Or  hunters, etc!! Thanks!

A School Nurse has written the info below  — good enough to share — And it really works!!

I had a  pediatrician tell me what she believes is the best way to remove a tick.  This is great, because it works in those places where
it’s   sometimes difficult to get to with tweezers: between toes, in the  middle of a head full of dark hair, etc.

Apply a glob of liquid  soap to a cotton ball. Cover the tick with the soap-soaked cotton ball  and let it stay on the repulsive insect for a
few seconds (15-20),  after which the tick will come out on it’s own and be stuck to the cotton  ball when you lift it away. This technique
has worked every time I’ve  used it (and that was frequently), and it’s much less traumatic for the  patient and easier for me.

Unless someone is allergic to soap, I  can’t see that this would be damaging in any way. I even had my doctor’s  wife call me for advice
because she had one stuck to her back and she  couldn’t reach it with tweezers. She used This method and immediately  called me back to say, “It worked!”

Please pass on; everyone  needs this helpful hint

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will. After retiring, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - -she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

> 2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to  go off at 5-minute intervals.

> 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.’

> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

> 6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO!  IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

> And last, but not least…

> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhi le, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here !’
 
Sincerely,
 
Wal-Mart Management # 2949

I never thought of this…….
         
This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile phone after her handbag was stolen.  Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet… etc…was stolen.
         
Twenty minutes later when she called her husband, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, he tells her  ‘I received your text asking about our pin number and I’ve replied a little while ago.’
         
When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all their money was already withdrawn.  The thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text ‘hubby’ in the contact list and got hold of the pin number.  Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from their bank account.

Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the people in your contact list.  Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc….  And very importantly, when sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling back.  Also, when you’re being text by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. 
If you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet ‘family and friends’ who text you.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON
         
Good thing to consider with this high tech age of identity theft. Bottom line — be wary of any inquiries for info when you can’t validate the requestor.

A young boy went to his father and asked,’What’s the  difference between Potentially and Realistically?’

The father answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would  sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy’ Combs for  one million dollars. Then come back  and tell me what you have learned.   

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you  sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?’  The mother replied, ‘Of course I would.  I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that!’ Then the boy went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Sean ’Puffy’ Combs for one million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my gosh! I’d be nuts to pass that up!’

The boy thought about it and went back to his dad. His father asked him if he’d found out the difference  between ‘potentially and realistically.’

The boy replied, ‘Yes. ‘Potentially’ we’re sitting on two million dollars, but ‘realistically’ we’re living  with two hos’

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at
Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.

          What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
           taser.  The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??

          WAY TOO COOL!  Long story
   short, I bought the device and brought it home.
            I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.  Nothing!  I was disappointed.  I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.  AWESOME!!!
            Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
            Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A
          batteries, right?
          There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
  and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
            blood moving target.
            I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
             But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
            herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
            So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
            The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
             disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
            cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while
I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself, “no possible way!”

          What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do
   my best…?  I’m sitting there alone,  Gracie looking on with her
            head cocked to one side as to say, ” don’t do it dipshit,”
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.  I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it.  I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
            The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
            Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one
second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.  A three second burst would be
considered
           conservative?
           SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
           A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading
          glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  The recliner was
           upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was.  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I had no control
over the
    drooling.  Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
           for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.  I’m
          still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!
          P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
   me with it!
            “If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid